Rachel...

Every once in awhile Rachel talks my parents into letting her spend the night at their house. During these visits she gets to make a nest on their living room floor to sleep in, eat popcorn, and (perhaps her most favorite part) be with them and not us.

And by us, I mean Ryan.
More specifically...she doesn't have to share with him.

And while she's gone, Jake and I skate through the ease of having only one child to keep fed, dressed, and happy.

It's a win-win for everyone.

A few weeks ago Rachel painted this little bird house while she was spending the night at grandma Sue's. I set it on my kitchen window and every day I see it and I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have such a sweet little girly.

This is especially helpful on those days when she isn't being such a sweet little girly.

Time for an update on Ryan...

Okay, so some of you have been seeing little snippets of comments I've made on facebook about Ryan and some of the things we're going through with him right now. Maybe it's time I finally fill you all in a bit more. Don't worry, his health is fine but we're just gearing up for yet another bump in his road.

A bit of background and reminders:
1. Ryan was born about 6 weeks early and spent two weeks in the NICU.

2. Before he turned 1 Ryan; was treated for a textbook-worthy case of eczema that pretty much made his life miserable, took medication for a horrible struggle with acid reflux, was hospitalized with RSV, and was not able to sleep for more than about 45-90 minutes at a time (day and night). So, basically he was in "survival" mode (and so where we).

3. At 14-months Ryan had his tonsils removed because we found out they were causing sleep apnea and making it really hard for him to eat (and sleep!).

4. Last November, things finally seemed to be looking up for him. He was healthy and happy and turned into a little sponge so he could take in everything around him.

5. Over the winter and early spring he started talking. His speech was fairly normal- understandable mostly to his caregivers. However, the number of words he attempted to say was right on target with where we expected him to be (a hair bit behind, which was all explainable and still on the "normal" curve).

When we took Ryan in for his 18-month appointment last March with the Pediatric Specialty clinic he scored a bit low on a few of his developmental tests, but we weren't worried. But, when we took him back in September he scored extremely low in communication, and a few other areas, and we became a bit more alarmed. His hearing was tested and he failed the first test but passed a few weeks later (hallelujah!).

Let's stop here for a second so I can address the comments that I know some of you are itching to make...

Comment:
"My so-and-so didn't talk until he was three and he turned out fine."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. Ryan talks. In fact, he's got lots to say. But, he pretty much sticks to vowel sounds and very rarely, if ever, says anything that would be expected at this age, like ma'ma or milk or cup or puppy or cookie, etc.
2. Ryan used to say all kinds of things. Granted, they weren't always pronounced perfectly but it's been several months since we've heard many of the"first words" that he said last spring.
3. Children learn their animal sounds at a very early age, and Ryan was no exception...until now. All of his animal sounds pretty much sound the same, which wasn't the case 9 months ago.

Comment:
"I'm sure he's fine. After all, "normal" has such a large range."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. Yes, he's healthy and that's good (and "fine"), but once your child scores at the bottom of a scale that measures "normal" (and he used to be in the middle) you can no longer sit around and wait to see if he'll "grow out of it."
2. Yes, the range of "normal" is large, but no, it isn't normal to stop making progress, or in some cases regress, in any area of development.

Comment:
"But he can communicate. It's not like we can't understand anything he says."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. That's the thing though...we often can't understand him. We have no idea what he's asking for unless he can point to it. He has no way of asking us for things he can't see. For example, he used to go to the fridge when he was thirsty or open/dig through our pantry when he was hungry. He doesn't do those things anymore so we have to anticipate his needs and try to meet them since he can't ask us for help.
2. Ryan can comprehend much more than he can actually communicate. Put yourself in those shoes...wouldn't that be terribly frustrating for you?
3. Speech isn't the only area he scored low in. At this point, we're assuming he scored low in those other areas because of the speech barrier that he's up against.

Comment:
"But he's such a happy, playful little guy. It's not like anything serious is going on."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. Yes! He IS happy and healthy. He loves to laugh and play and interact with people. He makes good eye contact, is social, and has no problems with his motor skills. What a blessing!
2. A word of advice...never insinuate that something bad, like scary, is or is not wrong with someone else's child. Just don't go there.
3. Some of Ryan's behavior is a bit questionable at this point. But, all of it can be explained by the fact that he's still got some catching up to do and, of course, that he's two. I won't go into details here so if you're wondering what those behaviors are you're free to contact me and ask.

So, what's the current plan?
Can I just say that I have learned a lot over the past few weeks. Ryan has had several assessments by various different offices and they've all been conducting their tests in a very similar way. I knew that children's brains are very different from adults, but I had no idea that what we often perceive to be "meaningless play" is actually an entire web of developmental motions, emotions, and actions. I can't explain what I've seen or learned but it is really quite interesting.

And dangerous...I know just enough about early childhood development to be dangerous to myself and others.

Anyway, the plan so far is this...
1. Ryan was approved for regular speech therapy sessions, which he will begin soon.

2. We just finished a round of testing with our local Area Education Agency and are waiting to schedule a meeting to go over the results so we can form an official plan (it even has an official name since this is a "state funded thing" but I can't remember what that name is). Once the plan is finalized, he will be in the state's Early Access Program until he's three. Once he turns three they will reassess him to see if he is done with the "official state funded plan thing" or if he needs to continue on in a different "state funded plan thing" for kids his age.

3. We are also waiting for him to have some additional developmental testing at the hospital in December. We're hoping that as the appointment gets closer we'll realize that it is completely unnecessary so we can cancel it. That appointment kind of scares me so I would rather not have it looming on the horizon.

The buzz word as of today is wait. I hate that word. I hate it because, of course, who likes to wait? Plus, when you're waiting that means you're not "doing" and when you're not "doing" you also aren't making any progress or learning anything new.

So, there you have it. An update on where we're at right now with Ryan. Just another bump in the road that seems a bit daunting at the moment, but will look a whole lot smaller once we can turn around and see it from the other side.

Ryan and Dan...

Our daycare provider Jane, and her husband Dan, have become like family to us. Jane has been right there, front and center, for over four years, facing our struggles with us and celebrating our joys. And when Dan comes home from work the kids run to meet him, just as they do when they see their Grandpa Nelson.

Jane sent me these pictures that another daycare parent took of Ryan and Dan playing in the leaves, and I just had to share them. These two are such good buds.

Ryan looks so teeny, tiny in that big pile of leaves.

Our little Bubby Bear. 

This picture almost put tears in my eyes.
I can hear their laughter as they have all kinds of fun together.

This land is our land...

Jake and I are now the proud owners of one full acre of dirt and rocks and trees...
and some day we're going to put a house on it.

Yesterday we bought a lot in a small subdivision (just 4 lots) that is only a few miles from where we currently live. We won't build for a few years, but we are excited to finally start the process of owning our "dream home."

This land is our land.

Jake is standing about where our living room will be.

Our view to the northwest.
A-ma-zing.

The first day...

Rachel starts pre-school today.
She was super excited, and was dressed and ready to go in record time this morning.
I really wanted to watch her get on the bus, but we decided that it would be best if I wasn't there.

So, instead, I checked the clock every minute, wondering where she was and what she was doing.

I hugged her good-bye, and when she saw tears in my eyes she said, "Don't worry mommy, I'll be back soon, and then I'll tell you all about my day."

This chalk board was made from a piece of slate that was
used in the one-room school house my dad went to
as a child.

Rachel on her first day of pre-school.
The camera lens kept fogging over from the high humidity.

I can't believe this day is already here...

And she's off...
She'll go to daycare and get on the bus with the big kids.

The big sister and her little brother with their daddy.

Rachel starts pre-school today, and I start graduate school.

The Fall 2014 semester also starts today.
My classes start tomorrow.

Grandpa...

Yesterday I had the privilege and honor of speaking at my grandpa's funeral.

Grandpa was blessed with a long, happy life, and as his life drew to an end he was then blessed with the opportunity to say good-bye to his children before he peacefully passed away.

When making plans for his funeral, grandpa had asked that the two oldest grandchildren share some of their thoughts at the service. Given that I'm not either of those (I'm more like the 12th oldest), it was a bittersweet moment for me to read through the family's special memories as I stood next to the second oldest grandchild. The oldest grandchild, Steve, passed away six years ago. And we all still miss him terribly.

My cousin began our remarks by sharing some of his special memories of grandpa. Next, I had the following comments before reading through several family stories. I wasn't sure how to end so I googled, "what to say at a funeral" and found the concluding poem.

In 2009 our family collected stories and special memories that we had of grandpa, and then read them aloud to him on his 90^th birthday.  As we reminisced about the past, patterns began to emerge in our recollections of him.

Grandpa was a hard worker, a provider, and a helping hand.

He had a servant’s heart and was humble and kind and giving.

Grandpa found joy in life and faced death not with fear, but with peace.

Even only as one man, he had a profound impact on the lives of countless loved ones, and his legacy lives on in his children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

To all of the family members who contributed the following stories, thank you.

When I’m Gone

By Mrs. Lyman Hancock

When I come to the end of my journey

And I travel my last weary mile,

Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned

And remember only the smile.

Forget unkind words I have spoken;

Remember some good I have done,

Forget that I ever had a heartache

And remember I’ve had loads of fun.

Forget that I have stumbled and blundered

And sometimes fell by the way,

Remember I have fought

Some hard battles and won,

Ere the close of the day,

Then forget to grieve for my going,

I would not have you sad for a day,

But in summer just gather some flowers

And remember the place where I lay

And come in the evening

When the sun paints the sky to the west,

Stand for a few moments beside me

And remember only my best.

Grandpa
-photo taken by my cousin Rhonda-

Who are you...

I've noticed that I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am. Not that I don't know I'm a mom, a co-worker, a wife, etc. But, I mean, who am I? What makes up my being? How am I defined? If asked, can I accurately describe myself?

As the caterpillar once inquired... "Whoooooo Rrrrrr Uuuuu?"
Side question- what's with Alice in Wonderland? Why did society ever approve the use of hookah-smoking caterpillars, drunken party-goers, glutenous walruses, and raging lunatics in children's movies?

Who am I?

Well, first there's the easy stuff. I'm a mom, a wife, a co-worker, a daughter, a sister, a Christian and soon, a student. At one time I had blond hair, I'm legally blind in one eye, and I've had more surgeries than I can count. But, does that really define me? I'm not sure...

A few weeks ago I tried to complete a simple questionnaire that asked about my hobbies. I sat, staring at the question, wondering what to write down. Hobbies? What are those? Do you mean like dressing, feeding, and carting children around; collapsing on the couch as soon as the kids are in bed; and trying to manage a household while still maintaining full-time working (outside of the home) mom status?

Or, do you mean something more like taking long walks, reading books, blogging, organizing photos, and playing piano? I know that at some point in my life I would have listed those as hobbies, but when does something go from being a hobby that I no longer have time for to being only a memory of something I used to like to do...when I had the time, energy and money?

Do my goals and aspirations define me? I hope to build a house some day (we even have the blue prints already); I plan to complete my Master's degree before Ryan finishes first grade; and I am excited about where my career path might lead me. Does that provide framework for defining who I am?

What about my interests? I'm interested in leadership opportunities, career development, and education. On the other hand, I also enjoy time with friends (never enough of that... I miss my friends!), growing beautiful flowers, and developing and nurturing my children. So, can I say that's who I am?

I am passionate about things like supporting the success of students of all ages and backgrounds, creating an environment that encourages meaningful worship at church, and providing knowledge and advice, both personal and professional, whenever possible. Even though I'm still struggling to fully define my passions, can I use them to define me?

I'm self-conscience about my weight. I fear that I'm always saying the wrong thing or making myself out to be a fool. I can't keep my house clean, weeds pulled, or my laundry done, and I hardly ever cook (my husband often makes our meals). My children, most likely, aren't being disciplined the way someone else thinks they should be, and I don't read to them as often as I should. I worry about our finances, wonder why we can't "keep up with the Jones" and feel anxious when we can't afford nicer things or contribute more money when asked. Sometimes I get upset over ridiculous things, I cry at just about everything, I feel like life is a competition and I'm not always winning, and I gossip. Can I leave these things off the list or must I also include them in what makes me, me?

I'm affiliated with one political party, but almost always vote for the other one. I'm not sure where I stand on several social issues. I have strong opinions about some things, but I very rarely disclose them. Because I'm "on the fence" can I use this information to describe me, or must I wait until I know how it all fits together?

I like fresh fruits and vegetables, but never eat enough of them. I prefer salty to sweet. I hate cheese, love meat, and enjoy an iced coffee every morning for breakfast. Does what I put into my body define my being?

I want to change the world, but do it quietly and loud. I want to start things, but once I'm started I wonder why I ever started and how I will ever finish. My body no longer belongs to me. It is often, instead, a vessel used to meet the needs of my children (Who cares if I feel like I might break a hip bending over to pick up a toy while holding my son? He wants the toy and I don't have time to put him down, so....).

I used to have hobbies. I can list some of my interests and goals and aspirations. I am passionate...sometimes. I have faults and defaults. My ideas and feelings occasionally waiver. I do not always recognize the person that I see in the mirror.

But, I suppose, that is who I am.