Spring stuff...

So, you ask, what have you all been up to this spring?

Well...

We colored Easter eggs. Because.
That's what people do at Easter.

We didn't trust Ryan to not break eggs
so he only got to play with those little worthless
cardboard holder things that never get used.
Ever. By anyone.

The finished product.
I suppose I should have been banished
to the worthless cardboard things too.
I broke at least six eggs.

Rachel pushed Ryan in his car...

They both giggled the entire time...

Ryan had tons of fun...

Until Rachel pushed him into a tree...

And left him there.

The smile that came right before the tears.
He realized he couldn't make the pedals go.

They loved helping daddy plant his garden.

One of these people should be wearing long pants.
And a jacket. And shoes.

Actually, I think they loved playing in the dirt more than
anything else. And that's fine too.

The end of preschool...

I can hardly believe that yesterday was Rachel's last day of preschool.

I feel like I took this picture:

Blinked...

And then took these pictures:

This morning she got her diploma...

She didn't think it was funny when I told her that she'll be done with school in just 17 years.

She's right.

I wasn't joking.

Both of them will be magnificent Hawkeyes!

Vera...

About nine years ago we brought home two cats, Norman and Vera. Norman grew into a large, black lump of fat and fur who basically sits around and waits for someone to give him fresh water. And I'm not kidding. He waits by the kitchen sink for hours in hopes that maybe someone will walk by, take pity on him, and fill his water bowl with cold water. Norman and Rachel are pretty good friends, which works out well for both of them. Norman tolerates Ryan.

Vera, on the other hand...

Vera wasn't a horrible cat, but she did have some health issues for almost five years that kind of made me hate her. We tried really hard to help her, but about two weeks ago it finally became obvious that there was nothing more we could do for her. Somehow mom (me) had to "take care of the situation" (I guess that's listed under "Other Duties as Assigned" in my job description). In his defense, Jake helped. He loaded her into a carrying case when the kids weren't looking.

It was hard to say good-bye to poor Vera, even though it was for the best. The people at the vet clinic were extremely nice, and gave me privacy so I could cry in peace while I filled out the paperwork. They even sent us a nice card a few days later.

But....we, um, haven't told Rachel yet.

Vera went out of her way to avoid the kids so it wasn't unusual for Rachel to see her only once every few days or so. But last Saturday, two whole weeks after Vera left, Rachel asked me where she was. I didn't lie. I told her that I didn't know where Vera was which, technically, was the truth. I didn't know where Vera was. I like to imagine that she's sitting on a comfy pillow in a happy little corner of heaven, basking in the sun and eating while someone is petting her (that seemed to be her idea of perfection).

Rachel hasn't asked about her since last Saturday and I've got my fingers crossed that she won't ask again until she's about 13 and wonders... what ever happened to Vera? I guess if she does ask I'll give her my best, most honest answer.

"Go ask dad."

My strengths...

A few weeks ago I joined the "cool kids" group at work and used an online assessment tool called StrengthsQuest (see http://www.strengthsquest.com) to discover my talents. I wasn't overly shocked by the results, but I did find them to be extremely fascinating.

There are 34 themes and I only paid to see the top five but I think they are pretty much spot on.

1. LEARNER
People who are especially talented in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them.

This would explain why I can't seem to ever finish school and have interest in learning about nearly everything. I bet Jake is a "learner" as well. One learner shouldn't marry another learner unless at least one of them has a job that can support their learner habit.

2. BELIEF
People who are especially talented in the Belief theme have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for their life.

So, um.... I'm, as my dad would say, "bull-headed" maybe? But, at least I'm learning how to use my "unchanging core values" (i.e. bull-headedness) for good not evil.

3. RESPONSIBILITY
People who are especially talented in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

A polite way to say controlling?

4. INDIVIDUALIZATION
People who are especially talented in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

I don't work well with others.

5. ACHIEVER
People who are especially talented in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.

I can never relax because I'm always thinking about that one last item on my to-do list that I really should be working on.


So I'm a professional student who is guided by my core values and my ridiculous need to control everything. I prefer to just do things myself rather than teach someone else, and I love to cross things off my to-do list.

And now you know.

You're welcome.

Philippians 4:13 was not written for moms...

In Philippians 4:13 I am reminded that, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I feel like the apostle Paul did not write this with modern day mothers in mind. I suspect he would have provided additional clarification had he known that some of us (we know who we are) would some day use this verse to try to prove to ourselves that we can do it all, be it all, and still be home in time for dinner.

Like, maybe adding, and "all things" does not mean being a super-human, perfectly manicured soccer mom who still fits into her jeans from high-school, is successful at everything she does, and shows up to every single social event on time with a loaf of banana bread in hand.

Thanks Paul. Your omission has cost us our sanity.

We know what Paul is technically referring to in this verse but still, who among us has never whispered these words while trying to push ourselves to cross off one last item on our to-do list?

At what point does the craziness stop? At what point is it okay to be an overweight, tired mother who is just doing the best we can? At what point can we give ourselves credit for getting the kids out the door fully clothed, healthy, and clean (enough)? At what point can we acknowledge that being a mom is freakin hard work and its okay to trash your to-do list because sometimes you just come home exhausted and don't have it in you to pay another bill, put away dishes, fold anymore laundry, bake a casserole for the freezer, or pull on exercise pants for more than the pure joy and comfort of wearing stretchy fabric?

I know the world will still spin even if I'm not the church council secretary or a singer in our worship team. And I'm fairly positive that I would still have a job even if I had not decided to go back to school. And my children will still be happy and healthy if I have to reschedule a few of their appointments because I just don't have time to take another half-day off work to fight traffic and waiting room crowds.

But ...there are days that I look around me and tell myself that if X can do this, so can I. Obviously they have proven that it can be done, and I have no excuse for my imperfections. But the truth is... they aren't perfect either. And X has gone to a lot of trouble to try to prove otherwise; sometimes even more trouble than it's worth.

For the most part, I enjoy all of the activities that I choose to participate in. It's the "other" stuff that makes me feel overwhelmed. I wish I could cut that stuff out. But I'm a mom. So I can't. I guess that's what I signed up for.

But, I can try to find happiness in all that I do. And I can try to stop being so hard on myself and stop trying to justify what is, or is not, on my list of priorities each day. And I can stop trying to be perfect or successful at all that I do.

And I can enjoy life.
There's always that.

Rachel...

Every once in awhile Rachel talks my parents into letting her spend the night at their house. During these visits she gets to make a nest on their living room floor to sleep in, eat popcorn, and (perhaps her most favorite part) be with them and not us.

And by us, I mean Ryan.
More specifically...she doesn't have to share with him.

And while she's gone, Jake and I skate through the ease of having only one child to keep fed, dressed, and happy.

It's a win-win for everyone.

A few weeks ago Rachel painted this little bird house while she was spending the night at grandma Sue's. I set it on my kitchen window and every day I see it and I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have such a sweet little girly.

This is especially helpful on those days when she isn't being such a sweet little girly.

Time for an update on Ryan...

Okay, so some of you have been seeing little snippets of comments I've made on facebook about Ryan and some of the things we're going through with him right now. Maybe it's time I finally fill you all in a bit more. Don't worry, his health is fine but we're just gearing up for yet another bump in his road.

A bit of background and reminders:
1. Ryan was born about 6 weeks early and spent two weeks in the NICU.

2. Before he turned 1 Ryan; was treated for a textbook-worthy case of eczema that pretty much made his life miserable, took medication for a horrible struggle with acid reflux, was hospitalized with RSV, and was not able to sleep for more than about 45-90 minutes at a time (day and night). So, basically he was in "survival" mode (and so where we).

3. At 14-months Ryan had his tonsils removed because we found out they were causing sleep apnea and making it really hard for him to eat (and sleep!).

4. Last November, things finally seemed to be looking up for him. He was healthy and happy and turned into a little sponge so he could take in everything around him.

5. Over the winter and early spring he started talking. His speech was fairly normal- understandable mostly to his caregivers. However, the number of words he attempted to say was right on target with where we expected him to be (a hair bit behind, which was all explainable and still on the "normal" curve).

When we took Ryan in for his 18-month appointment last March with the Pediatric Specialty clinic he scored a bit low on a few of his developmental tests, but we weren't worried. But, when we took him back in September he scored extremely low in communication, and a few other areas, and we became a bit more alarmed. His hearing was tested and he failed the first test but passed a few weeks later (hallelujah!).

Let's stop here for a second so I can address the comments that I know some of you are itching to make...

Comment:
"My so-and-so didn't talk until he was three and he turned out fine."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. Ryan talks. In fact, he's got lots to say. But, he pretty much sticks to vowel sounds and very rarely, if ever, says anything that would be expected at this age, like ma'ma or milk or cup or puppy or cookie, etc.
2. Ryan used to say all kinds of things. Granted, they weren't always pronounced perfectly but it's been several months since we've heard many of the"first words" that he said last spring.
3. Children learn their animal sounds at a very early age, and Ryan was no exception...until now. All of his animal sounds pretty much sound the same, which wasn't the case 9 months ago.

Comment:
"I'm sure he's fine. After all, "normal" has such a large range."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. Yes, he's healthy and that's good (and "fine"), but once your child scores at the bottom of a scale that measures "normal" (and he used to be in the middle) you can no longer sit around and wait to see if he'll "grow out of it."
2. Yes, the range of "normal" is large, but no, it isn't normal to stop making progress, or in some cases regress, in any area of development.

Comment:
"But he can communicate. It's not like we can't understand anything he says."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. That's the thing though...we often can't understand him. We have no idea what he's asking for unless he can point to it. He has no way of asking us for things he can't see. For example, he used to go to the fridge when he was thirsty or open/dig through our pantry when he was hungry. He doesn't do those things anymore so we have to anticipate his needs and try to meet them since he can't ask us for help.
2. Ryan can comprehend much more than he can actually communicate. Put yourself in those shoes...wouldn't that be terribly frustrating for you?
3. Speech isn't the only area he scored low in. At this point, we're assuming he scored low in those other areas because of the speech barrier that he's up against.

Comment:
"But he's such a happy, playful little guy. It's not like anything serious is going on."
Why I'm not interested in hearing this comment:
1. Yes! He IS happy and healthy. He loves to laugh and play and interact with people. He makes good eye contact, is social, and has no problems with his motor skills. What a blessing!
2. A word of advice...never insinuate that something bad, like scary, is or is not wrong with someone else's child. Just don't go there.
3. Some of Ryan's behavior is a bit questionable at this point. But, all of it can be explained by the fact that he's still got some catching up to do and, of course, that he's two. I won't go into details here so if you're wondering what those behaviors are you're free to contact me and ask.

So, what's the current plan?
Can I just say that I have learned a lot over the past few weeks. Ryan has had several assessments by various different offices and they've all been conducting their tests in a very similar way. I knew that children's brains are very different from adults, but I had no idea that what we often perceive to be "meaningless play" is actually an entire web of developmental motions, emotions, and actions. I can't explain what I've seen or learned but it is really quite interesting.

And dangerous...I know just enough about early childhood development to be dangerous to myself and others.

Anyway, the plan so far is this...
1. Ryan was approved for regular speech therapy sessions, which he will begin soon.

2. We just finished a round of testing with our local Area Education Agency and are waiting to schedule a meeting to go over the results so we can form an official plan (it even has an official name since this is a "state funded thing" but I can't remember what that name is). Once the plan is finalized, he will be in the state's Early Access Program until he's three. Once he turns three they will reassess him to see if he is done with the "official state funded plan thing" or if he needs to continue on in a different "state funded plan thing" for kids his age.

3. We are also waiting for him to have some additional developmental testing at the hospital in December. We're hoping that as the appointment gets closer we'll realize that it is completely unnecessary so we can cancel it. That appointment kind of scares me so I would rather not have it looming on the horizon.

The buzz word as of today is wait. I hate that word. I hate it because, of course, who likes to wait? Plus, when you're waiting that means you're not "doing" and when you're not "doing" you also aren't making any progress or learning anything new.

So, there you have it. An update on where we're at right now with Ryan. Just another bump in the road that seems a bit daunting at the moment, but will look a whole lot smaller once we can turn around and see it from the other side.