The world is a confusing place, especially if you're a parent with young children...
1. Every day I pick up toys, carry forty-thousand pieces of junk at once, and make at least 300 trips up and down the stairs. Why doesn't the universe count that as regular exercise and reward me accordingly?
2. Toys that come with more than 5 pieces should be illegal... and if any of them are smaller than a pencil, the manufacturer should be required to wait outside my home, ready with a replacement at only a moment's notice. Stickers should be un-invented.
3. Standing while eating a meal should cancel all calories that have been consumed.
4. Sleep ought to be twice as effective when you have small children.
5. Parents of young children should get special discounts too. I could really use 10% off every car seat I buy before 5:00 PM, a free gallon of milk on Wednesday mornings, or a punch card that rewards the purchase of stain remover.
6. Why do they make baby books that go through a child's fifth year? Who are they trying to fool? The jig is up, man. We are well aware that after 18 months, the recording of memories in said book will cease, and most of the remaining pages will be used for scratch paper.
7. Evening meals that occur before 7:00 on weeknights should automatically be considered nutritious. And bonus points given for every vegetable or homemade dish that is served.
8. Every time a new toy is received, one that hasn't been touched in months should magically disappear.
9. In what crazy, mixed up world does the act of a mother climbing onto an elliptical machine induce chaos? Before I begin, all is right with God's creation, but when I start to exercise... milk cups suddenly empty, toys mysteriously break, and art projects must be started immediately. When I'm done, silence returns and daddy once again becomes a viable option for assistance.
10. Parents should be able to ask telemarketers for money or donations if they call during nap time and wake up a child. And, if the call is political in nature, the candidate should have to come do my laundry and clean my house while I lecture them from my soapbox.