Fat...

I like to try to keep this blog pretty light and fluffy but once in a while I feel myself led to write something a bit more, um, not so light and fluffy.

I guess that's part of the joy of being the boss of your own blog.

This week I'm meeting with a Health and Wellness Counselor because, quite frankly, I don't feel healthy or wellness...y. It really isn't a secret that I have struggled with my weight pretty much my entire life and now that I'm post-baby x 2 my struggles have rocketed me right over to the "plus" sized section at The Dress Barn. ugh.

It's not that I don't know how to eat right or exercise. That's easy. You know, eat lots of fruits and veggies (for goodness sake I even have a garden!), limit your fat and salt and carb and calorie intake (so, basically, try REALLY hard to make those veggies taste just as good as chips and ice cream),exercise for at least X minutes X times per week, and drink plenty of water.

The hard part is finding the time to exercise and the energy to make healthy meal choices. Several of my friends, who are also moms, are beautiful thin women who eat like birds, walk or attend exercise classes regularly, and still find time to be the super moms that they strive to be. Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to fit into the largest pants I can find in my closet or figure out what photo angle well show the least number of chins.

I keep telling myself that I need to walk over my lunch breaks (which I can't seem to ever find the time to take), plan healthy meals (that the rest of my family will actually eat), or try to sneak in some exercise during our evening or morning routine.

The problem is that I have excuses:
1. I'm not going to get up at 5:00 to exercise if I have been up for most of the night with a child.... for the last 12 months.

2. We often don't get home until close to 6:00 and by the time we finish eating we have just enough time to play with the kids for a bit before we put them to bed. Often times after we put them to bed it is then time to fold laundry, finish the dishes, pay bills, etc. and by the time I'm done for the evening it is close  to 10:00. Who wants to exercise at 10:00 at night?

3. Who has time to plan or cook a healthy meal when there are 4 different people in your family who would rather eat 4 different things?

And, I know what you're going to say...why don't you get in your exercise with the kids? Well, we try to go for walks and run around outside but you cannot honestly tell me that is the same as a 45-minute jog because it isn't. And besides, I really can't base my exercise schedule on the willingness of a 3-year-old to be loaded up for a walk.

In any case, regardless of everything else, I cannot continue to function in the body I am currently using. It is just too big. And it is so hard to see where I want to be (everyone else) and where I'm currently at (my worst nightmare).

I have never been this big for this long with absolutely no end in sight and that really frightens me. It frightens me because I don't want this to be my new norm, I don't want this to be "okay for now" anymore. I don't want to feel winded and uncomfortable anymore.

I want to feel energetic and healthy.
I want to look forward to chasing my kids.
I want to wear my old clothes again.
I want to look as good as my friends.

I don't need to be some ridiculously small size; I just want to be healthy.

So, I'm not really sure what is next. But I can tell you this...
I'm done with this whole being fat thing...
and so are my pants.