I have been trying to avoid writing about three certain topics for several reasons. First, I’m not sure if I want to be held accountable or if I just want to vent. Secondly, I’m not sure what to say. And finally, I’m afraid no one will care and I’ll lose my small (but very loyal) fan base. However, I can’t put it off any longer…
Guilt is eating me alive. I feel guilty about everything…not cooking enough meals or having my weekly menus planned, piles of laundry that seem to appear in every room of the house, missing obvious “parental must-do’s and must-haves”, weeds in my flower beds…you name it and I feel guilty for not having it, doing it or addressing it. I compare myself to other mothers and bloggers and tell myself, “If they can do it, so can I.” I figure that the time will finally come when this mind set gives way to a more rational thought process but until then….I’ll eat my guilt with a side of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Perhaps I should have mentioned earlier that another thing I feel guilty about is my weight. I’ve been using the “I have a newborn” excuse for entirely too long. My child is no longer a newborn and winter is coming and I have nothing to wear. I want to fit back into my pants and be a hot mom but I also want to eat, and more often than not that means grabbing a bag of chips to munch on while I keep my child from climbing the stairs or sitting on the cat. I have good intentions but I also have a distorted hope that my body will feel bad for me and decide to drop the pounds out of sheer sympathy. That alone should be enough to get someone committed.
And lastly, I don’t want to blog about why I blog. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and last week I even had a chance to write about it as part of Mama Kat’s weekly writer’s workshop but I avoided the topic like it was a dead skunk. I like to tell myself that I blog as a journal to myself and happy unicorns and rainbows and nice things blah blah blah….The truth is, I think I blog because I want to be one of those famous bloggers. Am I self-centered, craving attention or just bored? Hmmm…that’s a tough one.