Fat...

I like to try to keep this blog pretty light and fluffy but once in a while I feel myself led to write something a bit more, um, not so light and fluffy.

I guess that's part of the joy of being the boss of your own blog.

This week I'm meeting with a Health and Wellness Counselor because, quite frankly, I don't feel healthy or wellness...y. It really isn't a secret that I have struggled with my weight pretty much my entire life and now that I'm post-baby x 2 my struggles have rocketed me right over to the "plus" sized section at The Dress Barn. ugh.

It's not that I don't know how to eat right or exercise. That's easy. You know, eat lots of fruits and veggies (for goodness sake I even have a garden!), limit your fat and salt and carb and calorie intake (so, basically, try REALLY hard to make those veggies taste just as good as chips and ice cream),exercise for at least X minutes X times per week, and drink plenty of water.

The hard part is finding the time to exercise and the energy to make healthy meal choices. Several of my friends, who are also moms, are beautiful thin women who eat like birds, walk or attend exercise classes regularly, and still find time to be the super moms that they strive to be. Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to fit into the largest pants I can find in my closet or figure out what photo angle well show the least number of chins.

I keep telling myself that I need to walk over my lunch breaks (which I can't seem to ever find the time to take), plan healthy meals (that the rest of my family will actually eat), or try to sneak in some exercise during our evening or morning routine.

The problem is that I have excuses:
1. I'm not going to get up at 5:00 to exercise if I have been up for most of the night with a child.... for the last 12 months.

2. We often don't get home until close to 6:00 and by the time we finish eating we have just enough time to play with the kids for a bit before we put them to bed. Often times after we put them to bed it is then time to fold laundry, finish the dishes, pay bills, etc. and by the time I'm done for the evening it is close  to 10:00. Who wants to exercise at 10:00 at night?

3. Who has time to plan or cook a healthy meal when there are 4 different people in your family who would rather eat 4 different things?

And, I know what you're going to say...why don't you get in your exercise with the kids? Well, we try to go for walks and run around outside but you cannot honestly tell me that is the same as a 45-minute jog because it isn't. And besides, I really can't base my exercise schedule on the willingness of a 3-year-old to be loaded up for a walk.

In any case, regardless of everything else, I cannot continue to function in the body I am currently using. It is just too big. And it is so hard to see where I want to be (everyone else) and where I'm currently at (my worst nightmare).

I have never been this big for this long with absolutely no end in sight and that really frightens me. It frightens me because I don't want this to be my new norm, I don't want this to be "okay for now" anymore. I don't want to feel winded and uncomfortable anymore.

I want to feel energetic and healthy.
I want to look forward to chasing my kids.
I want to wear my old clothes again.
I want to look as good as my friends.

I don't need to be some ridiculously small size; I just want to be healthy.

So, I'm not really sure what is next. But I can tell you this...
I'm done with this whole being fat thing...
and so are my pants.

Happy Blogiversary (again)...

I find it hard to believe that on July 27th I celebrated the 3-year anniversary of my blog.

Happy Blogiversary to me!

Some days I write, some days I don't.
Some weeks I write, some weeks I don't.

But, regardless of the number of entries, the regularity of my writing, and the herd of followers (or lack thereof), this blog continues to be a creative outlet for me and a way to collect my thoughts, keep track of my memories, and voice my concerns.

It has also become a way to vent my anger and frustrations.
But, really, I just like having it around. It makes me smile.
Most of the time.

So, let us take a stroll down memory lane and review some of the highlights (and low lights) of July 2012-July 2013.

I was in the hospital for almost a week:
This is not the vacation I had in mind

Ryan Edward was Born...
Ryan Edward

And was in the NICU for 2 weeks:
Ryan in pictures

And thus began our struggles:
Mother knows best
To my son's doctors

But, we had some good times too:
The great pumpkin
For the first time ever
An afternoon in the park
The church bells are ringing
Lunch with Rachel
The Summer 2013 visit
Driving us crazy

There were huge accomplishments this year:
Jake's graduation
The PHR test
Do the math
A phone call to grandpa

And then there was this:
The old and the new
The definition of insane

And this:
And we're back

But to sum most of it up:
Give thanks


So, here's to another year.
May it bring plenty of joy and lots of sleep.

Over the river and through the woods...

I would guess that about 75% of the trips we take to my parents' house begin with me singing, "Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go..." Except that, I have my own words for the song.

Over the creek and through the dust to
grandma and grandpa's house we go;
Daddy knows the way to drive the car...

And then Rachel usually tells me to stop singing before I can go any further. But, that's okay because they only live a mile away so by that point we're about ready to pull in their lane anyway.

Rachel loves to go to grandpa and grandma's house. She asks me almost every day if she can see grandpa or go to grandma's house or ride in grandpa's old truck. And it warms my heart to now also watch Ryan bounce in excitement when he sees his beloved grandparents.

A few weeks ago Rachel got to help grandma make cupcakes.

I feel like the sugar intake wasn't really monitored by Grandma;
I guess that's not part of her job description.



Might as well stop to eat another one before putting on the sprinkles.

The kids have a love/hate relationship with
Grandpa's dog, Milo.
He loves them; they hate him...
unless he's at a safe distance.

The definition of insane…

So, I'm about to go insane.
No, not the "axe murderer" insane; more like the "I'm about to give up" insane.
I'm about to throw in the towel and tell the universe that it has won.
I'm done.
I can't fight anymore.

Fight what? You might ask.
Potty Training...
and
Sleeping.

First, the potty training.
Rachel is a smart little gal and it never once occurred to me that we would have this much trouble getting her potty trained. It seems as though we have made little progress since last July (when we first began this journey) and she has regressed so much that for two days now we have thrown our hands in the air and made her wear pull-ups again. She claims to hate wearing the "diaper" but has done pretty much nothing beyond complaining about it and, of course, pooping in it.

We have tried everything we can think of and after 12 months of struggling with this whole process I am convinced that Rachel will be sporting a Dora in Kindergarten.

And then there is my other child.
The one who doesn't sleep. Ever.
He has his decent nights and once in a while Ryan even has a good night but for the most part he too has regressed back to where he was 9 months ago. For those who might not be familiar with that particular sleep routine it goes something like this... sleep for 30 minutes, wake up, cry for 20-40 minutes, and repeat until about 5:00 in the morning.

I have gotten a whopping 3 hours of sleep over the past two nights (combined). And the most frustrating part is that this "stage" isn't a stage at all. It is the norm in our house and has been since last August.

If ever there is a time that I question my ability to be a good parent, it is now.
I keep thinking about the future and what it must hold. Eventually we will look back on this time, right? But, we cannot look back if we don't move forward.

And we haven't moved forward all stinkin' year long.

Here it comes....
I can feel it...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Driving us crazy...

When I was about 10 years old I bought my first wallet. I really didn't need a wallet at that time in my life but I remember exactly why I bought it- because it came with novelty cards, one of which was a "license to drive" people crazy. I thought it was absolutely hysterical and carried it with me wherever I went.

If I ever find that card I will make two copies of it, one for each of my children. Because sometimes they just drive me crazy.

And other times, they just, um, drive...

Rachel's first attempt at driving. If I remember correctly,
she pretty much ended up in a pine tree.

Ryan thinks he is pretty cute.
I think he's right.

Going nowhere fast.

This last picture has nothing to do with wallets or driving or licenses but I just couldn't resist adding it.

Rachel is hanging out with her boy cousins.
Rachel insisted on putting her shorts on by herself.
And so...
Rachel is refilling a water gun with her pants on backwards while wearing Jake and the Neverland Pirates shoes with cute socks. Oh yeah, and she's shirtless.

This has graduation party picture written all over it.

Thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law for supplying these pictures! Every family needs a nurse and a photographer and fortunately, she is both.